Category: LOW TIMES

Ultraviolet fades to black, you want her back; you have her back?
The colour’s bright, dysphoric state, she’s losing hope, is it too late?
The darkness creeps and light is stole, her inner sanctum swallowed whole.
The fear and madness of it all as Reaper gleeful takes her call.

You know not what’s required of me, for through my eyes you cannot see.
You cannot see, you dare not see.
You will not see.

Kaleidoscopic tunnel dimming, even with euphoric hymn-ing
Singing “SAVE ME, SAVE ME PLEASE!” her rescue boat in fateful seas,
Does not pluck out the orange glow, nor see the beacon moored on shore.
Encased in cruelest cloud she sinks, no bringing back from brutal brink.

I know not what’s required of me, for through my eyes you cannot see.
I cannot see, I dare not see.
I will not see.

She dreams of decades future told, when stories of the ‘mad’ unfold.
When folk do not condemn her brain to confined walls of secret shame.
When folk embrace the plateaued times along with crazy mountain climbs
She longs for brand new century, when madness is her sanctuary,
In ever strange complexity, she can’t explain her mind you see
Oh will you ever truly see, the crux of her polarity?

 

“Time heals” they say, suppose this true

Then why am I still hurt from you?

“Time heals” they say, I can’t agree

My wounds are open still they bleed

“Time heals”; I wish, ‘cause maybe then

I could forget and start again

“Time heals the grief”; no chance I fear

Take more than time my pain to clear

Time heals the muddled tortured mind?

Just read my thoughts and you will find

The only thing that time can do

Is prolong the anguish caused by you.

You flicked my lock
And opened wide
My wall-less heart
And peered inside
You took my hand
You held my frame
Then smashed it up
“I’m not to blame”
You saw my soul
I gave you all
Still not enough
You watch me fall
For now I am right here for you
There’s nothing more to say or do
If you are torn, to us be true
Shut up and find a different view…

I close my eyes and think of you

My heart sings

I feel your soft kiss on my mouth
My heart sings

I hear you say my name out loud
My heart sings

I see your name on phone or mail
My heart sings

I watch you sleep and touch your face
My heart sings

The thought of meeting up again
My heart sings

**********************************
I close my eyes and you are gone
My heart cries

I feel your tender kiss no more
My heart cries

I hear you say one last goodbye
My heart cries

I feel your name etched on my brain
My heart cries

 

God wanted revenge for the sins of the world

So he gave us this ‘gift’ without warning or word

Something tempting yet painful he sent from above

He looked on with pity and called this gift ‘love’

 

I’ve never felt hurt quite so deep, I’ve never lost quite so much sleep

I’ve never shed so many tears, in all my life of hurting  years

I new you’d be with someone else, I knew I’d have no second chance

But knowing doesn’t compensate for the sense of loss or deep felt hate

You really don’t care what I feel, on that one night you made this clear

When asked to come and talk to me, no explanation did I hear

No reason why to make me see, not even an apology

You can’t see why I feel this way, you think there’s nothing left to say

I tried to keep my tears discreet, but mis’rably admit defeat

I tried to keep my rage intact, but under pressure slowly cracked

Although I tried to surface strong, I’d kept composure for so long

That all my efforts came in vain, the time had come to rid my pain

Reluctantly I gave release and realised a new found peace.

For now I have no shred of hate, no trace of love to contemplate

I know I’ve said all this before, but this time I have closed the door

I hope at last they all can see, I’ve locked you out and thrown the key

Before ‘the end’ was premature, but now it’s not of that I’m sure

One day soon you will conceive, just what you’ve lost in losing me

And lost you have there’s no maybe

This IS the end I guarantee.

I rarely hailed a yellow ride

There always seemed to be

So many black ones passing by

With space to carry me

 

 

I wait, I hope, there’ll come along

A brightly painted lift

Yet on the kerbside I remain

Refuse at first to shift

 

 

Then slowly come to realise

Perhaps I have no choice

It is a futile mission

Waiting for a ghost Rolls Royce

 

 

And so I hail the next along

And make my deathly bed

Immersed in darkness I can see

A dead end lies ahead

 

 

As I vacate protective shell

Slam shut the open door

My journey ends

And trusted friends

Need carry me no more.

Well thanks for the gift, though I do not recall,

Ever blowing out candles and wishing me born.

I have no clear memory that I may have said:

“I would love a small body, with large broken head”.

For did I at some point request five foot three?

I very much doubt it for taller I’d be.

Yes thank you, it’s fabulous, just what I need,

A wonderful life I can grow from a seed.

Could I just please clarify, when did I say;

I’d love it in black please, with dark shades of grey,

And if you can find one with flashes of colour,

A slender size 8 but with breasts so much fuller.

The package misleading shouts shiny and new,

How laughingly silly, how grossly untrue.

For I do not work you see, I am defunct,

I’m labelled as useless, regarded as junk.

Yet paint on my canvas still fools you to see I’m happy, contented and truly carefree.

Of course, I am grateful, (though I had no choice;

You thrust this upon me, did not hear my voice,

For I shouted loudly “was not meant for me!”

But you did not listen, you thought I’d be pleased?

Well sorry.

Can’t keep it.

Was not meant to be.

They say the thought counts, you must surely agree;

No thought whatsoever was put into me).

I try to be grateful yet cannot accept.

Perhaps I could exchange, are there others left?

Please place on the faulty pile, maybe one day,

Someone will find use for this life in some way.

Until then I beg of you, hear this my plea,

If life is a gift do not give it so free.

If life is so precious, don’t waste it on me.

As you are gathered here to say one final last goodbye

To make sense of this quandary – to try and fathom why

As you all congregate in black immersed in futile gloom

And see a future cloaked with fear, uncertainty and doom

When you search hard for answers, yet no answers you can find

Then, spare an empathetic thought for this mirrored my mind

Your pain will ease, your wounds will heal, your darkness will subside

Yet mine would never ever shift, no matter how I tried

Your incident affected mood, oh what a luxury

That vision’s been all I have seen, that was the norm for me

So as you trace my sands of time and on my life reflect

And try to muster understanding, empathy, respect

Please try to see, it’s meant to be, for I was always torn

You could not win this war for me, please do not stand and mourn

You could not save my life you fools; I died when I was born.

 

I sit in lecture

Why? I ask

Such a boring fruitless task

I listen…repeated monotony

And ask the question:

Could this be,

all there is to my degree?