I’ve never felt hurt quite so deep, I’ve never lost quite so much sleep

I’ve never shed so many tears, in all my life of hurting  years

I new you’d be with someone else, I knew I’d have no second chance

But knowing doesn’t compensate for the sense of loss or deep felt hate

You really don’t care what I feel, on that one night you made this clear

When asked to come and talk to me, no explanation did I hear

No reason why to make me see, not even an apology

You can’t see why I feel this way, you think there’s nothing left to say

I tried to keep my tears discreet, but mis’rably admit defeat

I tried to keep my rage intact, but under pressure slowly cracked

Although I tried to surface strong, I’d kept composure for so long

That all my efforts came in vain, the time had come to rid my pain

Reluctantly I gave release and realised a new found peace.

For now I have no shred of hate, no trace of love to contemplate

I know I’ve said all this before, but this time I have closed the door

I hope at last they all can see, I’ve locked you out and thrown the key

Before ‘the end’ was premature, but now it’s not of that I’m sure

One day soon you will conceive, just what you’ve lost in losing me

And lost you have there’s no maybe

This IS the end I guarantee.


I rarely hailed a yellow ride

There always seemed to be

So many black ones passing by

With space to carry me



I wait, I hope, there’ll come along

A brightly painted lift

Yet on the kerbside I remain

Refuse at first to shift



Then slowly come to realise

Perhaps I have no choice

It is a futile mission

Waiting for a ghost Rolls Royce



And so I hail the next along

And make my deathly bed

Immersed in darkness I can see

A dead end lies ahead



As I vacate protective shell

Slam shut the open door

My journey ends

And trusted friends

Need carry me no more.


I browsed online, I searched the street
And countless men I’d find then meet
Most faceless, nameless, not my type
In no way lived up to their hype
Not satisfied with dating fun
I wanted instant “He’s the one!”
When we first met, came face to face
I wanted heart to pound and race
I wanted sparks to fizz and fly
Our time stand still and race on by
I wanted drums to bang and beat
Intensive, shocking, searing heat
I wanted screaming in my head,
Yell “You’re the one, take me to bed!”

Oh gosh.
What happened here?
The fanfare echoed loud and clear
The stars collided, planets crashed
My inner sanctum minced and mashed
The passion, fever, craving, yearning
Urgent touching, searing, burning
Feelings rush at speed of light
As day merged into starry night
Our bodies locked, the deed now done
Connection made, our bodies one

Then STOP.
“No more” he said.
And cast me out of safe warm bed
Too much, too soon, too fast. Too late.
Our recklessness sealed tight our fate
Once open wide, I gave my all
And smashed into your heart’s brick wall
Encased in chains, with lock and key
There was no open door for me
I thought this was a fairytale
‘Tween online girl and cyber male
I glimpsed my future in your eyes
Then slowly came to realise
You’re not ‘The One’ you’re just another
Careless, clueless, thoughtless lover
Tears drown out my joyful laughter
No more happy ever after
With great regret, no turning back
My rainbow world turned grey and black
Kind angels came and ears they lend
As shattered heart begins to mend
I bid farewell to you my ‘friend’
And close our book, goodbye,


Well thanks for the gift, though I do not recall,

Ever blowing out candles and wishing me born.

I have no clear memory that I may have said:

“I would love a small body, with large broken head”.

For did I at some point request five foot three?

I very much doubt it for taller I’d be.

Yes thank you, it’s fabulous, just what I need,

A wonderful life I can grow from a seed.

Could I just please clarify, when did I say;

I’d love it in black please, with dark shades of grey,

And if you can find one with flashes of colour,

A slender size 8 but with breasts so much fuller.

The package misleading shouts shiny and new,

How laughingly silly, how grossly untrue.

For I do not work you see, I am defunct,

I’m labelled as useless, regarded as junk.

Yet paint on my canvas still fools you to see I’m happy, contented and truly carefree.

Of course, I am grateful, (though I had no choice;

You thrust this upon me, did not hear my voice,

For I shouted loudly “was not meant for me!”

But you did not listen, you thought I’d be pleased?

Well sorry.

Can’t keep it.

Was not meant to be.

They say the thought counts, you must surely agree;

No thought whatsoever was put into me).

I try to be grateful yet cannot accept.

Perhaps I could exchange, are there others left?

Please place on the faulty pile, maybe one day,

Someone will find use for this life in some way.

Until then I beg of you, hear this my plea,

If life is a gift do not give it so free.

If life is so precious, don’t waste it on me.


As you are gathered here to say one final last goodbye

To make sense of this quandary – to try and fathom why

As you all congregate in black immersed in futile gloom

And see a future cloaked with fear, uncertainty and doom

When you search hard for answers, yet no answers you can find

Then, spare an empathetic thought for this mirrored my mind

Your pain will ease, your wounds will heal, your darkness will subside

Yet mine would never ever shift, no matter how I tried

Your incident affected mood, oh what a luxury

That vision’s been all I have seen, that was the norm for me

So as you trace my sands of time and on my life reflect

And try to muster understanding, empathy, respect

Please try to see, it’s meant to be, for I was always torn

You could not win this war for me, please do not stand and mourn

You could not save my life you fools; I died when I was born.



Packing, boxing, loading on

Waiting for a break to come

Machines routinely steam ahead

Pounding, thumping, banging head

Boredom hides behind a smile

As human robots stand in line


Just briefly into dream

As rhythm forges new routine

The clock stares down to slow the time

More human robots join the line

Little do they realise

Their wages come at such high price

Unaware or trapped in strife

They join the production line of LIFE



I awake to your image in front of my face

Fall asleep and your spirit I still can’t erase

Even in slumber my dreams you will find

Are still troubled with visions of you in my mind

I can still feel your prescence when here on my own

And I still hear your voice though completely alone

When you’re near must supress the temptation to touch

Though admit your allurement sometimes proves too much

You’ve exposed those emotions I thought I’d dismissed

Though I’ve known deep inside me they did still exist

Can’t believe I surrendered resistence to you

My defences were crushed though what else could I do?

So again I stand weak, insecurities show

And I’m vuln’rable to one person once more

I can’t let myself fall to you, can’t take the bait

I’m ignoring the visible actions of fate

Disregard all attraction, no matter how great

Why such pointless denial? I know it’s too late.


I strolled through life’s playground, I hoped we would meet

Two halves of one being, two lives incomplete

Before you existed I pictured your face

I unlocked my heart and reserved you a place

For I never doubted us, I always knew

My present, my future, my past are with you

So sure of our destiny, sure we will be

Entwined in each other for eternity

The only uncertainty borne of our love

The rest of our lives cannot be long enough

For I once had questions which scuppered my plan

Like, how can I spend all my life with one man?

And then there’s that priceless pearl – how will I know,

If he is ‘The One’ and not one to forego?

Then you came along and my questions dissolved

‘How will I know?’ – An old quand’ry resolved

I no longer ponder this, I am quite sure

For you are the answer, I need ask no more

I watch as our love grows so deep and so true

Now only one question remains for us two

Without hesitation, I fall into you

I give you, sincerely, my answer – ‘I do’